The Worrying: Rafael, 35

I’ve always been a bit of a hypochondriac. I blame my obsession of Grey’s Anatomy, but I also give it credit because it has come in handy. Like the time that I knew for a fact that I had a blood clot in my calf after a long flight to Las Vegas. That’s all due to Sandra Oh’s exceptional acting, but yes I am a hypochondriac.

I’ve always gone with my gut on these types of things, but as of lately I have been hit with some conditions that look a little sus. So because of this intuition that I have always seen as a superpower, I have been lead to go in for an ultrasound. Ironically it is for my gut.

How funny would it be the very thing that I have always prided myself on, my intuition, my full on bullshit meter would be the very thing that is making me sick. At first I thought it was my throat. Which is also funny, given the fact that I have a tendency to not keep my mouth shut. My voice carries and pierces through so many barriers that even I get exhausted by it.

I also went in for an ultrasound for that as well, and yes they indeed found something. Currently waiting to hear back on if it needs some more attending to. At this point it is all a waiting game, or more like a worrying game. I can stand in a crowd full of people with sunglasses on, my poker face fully bitching, and a great outfit without breaking a sweat but on the inside I am nothing but a little boy sobbing for his mother.

I’m dancing around the possibility of my life being cut short and that right there ladies and gentlemen is not fun. No one wants to come to terms with the idea of headed off into the great beyond all because of what? I decided to eat one too many bean burritos from Taco Bell? Or maybe it was all of those bacon, egg, and cheeses every Saturday morning from my local bodega? Whatever it it was, and whatever it is…let’s just say that if everything comes back clear, I will be eating more salads from here on out.

And all of this is happening as I get ready to launch my theater/production house company. A dream of mine that I have been thinking about for a long time. There is no time like the now, and as I have said it before time is inevitable. So now the worrying is a race to beat the clock. If there is something growing inside of me at least I have gotten a head start on leaving my legacy. Yes there is always theatrics when it comes to my life, but I have found that there is such strength in my vulnerability.

For a lot of my life I have kept myself in a box, I only hope that throughout this experience I figure out how to finally live out loud and to not take this little life for granted.

Talk soon.

-R